Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Windsurfer's Tale

by Kenton Hall

Literary scholars around the world were astonished this morning when a portion of a lost and hitherto unknown chapter of Geoffrey Chaucer's Canterbury Tales was discovered in the lunchbox of a small child from Stoke-on-Trent. The fragment had been used as wrapping for a Gouda and mayonnaise sandwich and was only discovered by a sharp-eyed teacher as the child was beaten senseless during recess for eating posh cheese.

Critics were, of course, sceptical at first, but were convinced of the document's authenticity over a long, expensive lunch. By the end of the seventh bottle of Chablis, the more glaring anachronisms, including the fact that the story had been written on lined A4 paper with green crayon were easily explained away. In the words of one historian: "Pass the salt, you Irish bastard! And get me some more horseradish sauce!"

The following excerpt, complete with commentary, demonstrates the importance of the finding, and further illuminates the genius whose work has tortured school-children for generations:


Thus the Parson, his tale ended
Long-winded tosh, though each ear bended
In trying to decipher verse
And discover each sexual curse
Yet found no bawdy reference that
Might help young scholars shed man-fat
In this most boring treatise shared...
Then gnashed their teeth and tugged at hair

So Chaucer, his readers' interest waning
Concocted this most entertaining
Epilogue to close his Tales
The cum-shot, set to balance scales

COMMENT: It is clear from this lost fragment, that even Chaucer was aware that for all his poetical genius, his readers were far more interested in the fucking, than in some bizarre essay on Patience and Virtue. In fact, there is a note in the margins that suggests that Chaucer was growing increasingly desperate to up the smut factor... and reads thusly: "Perhaps a tryst between two womyn and a horse?"

Vs. VI

Their wrong course led them out of reach
Of anything but Echo Beach
Far away in time,
Echo Beach,
far away in time
And there a windsurfer appeared,
No pilgrim he, but wild of beard
His shorts packed tightly with a staff
Of manhood, swollen not with wrath
But of the memory of the tale
He had to tell of how love fails

COMMENT: The exact location of "Echo Beach" will undoubtedly be disputed amongst academics for years to come, although the refusal of the male pilgrims in Vs. V to ask directions at a service station, may have something to do with their having strayed so far from the London boroughs.

And yea! Now spake windsurfer true
Of travelling to work on the tube
Well, all at once, the train stopped dead
Passengers by shadows fed
Our hero, joined in silence, by
Three Blondes, with cups of ample size
Who took to shedding outerwear
And showed no signs of pubic hair
"I could not believe my luck,"
Said the surfer, lucky fuck
"They were equipped with baby oil"
"With dildos, strap-ons, fitted coils"
"And stole my chastity from me"
"By sucking my cock valiantly"
"Adopting postures on all fours"
"Frolicking like unhinged whores"
"Produced most inhuman grunts..."
"By licking at each other's..."

COMMENT: At this point, the fragment runs out. As has the commentator.


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