Monday, September 28, 2009

On Seduction...

I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what's wrong with the world. Primarily because I enjoy nothing more than a good rant, and the world is - generally - quite generous with its catalysts.

But let's be honest, when I say I enjoy NOTHING more than a good rant, I am dissembling, as they say, like a motherfucker. Being a human male of no fixed weight or hairstyle, and sprinkled liberally with low self esteem, there's at least TWO other things I enjoy more.

Which brings me to our subject for today: Seduction.

Our story begins in a pub toilet. Not in the way you might imagine, but only because you have filthier minds than I have toilet-related opportunities. No, I was merely present for an act of urination, when I glanced - as I often do - at the machine which sells contraception. My feelings were, as usual, a mixture of bemusement and envy - for despite the fact that I am often in said toilets whilst plying my trade upon the stage and shaking my verylittlemoneyreallymaker, I can not recall a time when I have had need to make use of them in an spontaneous, carnal emergency manner.

However, last night, what I saw was this:

"A Seduction Kit! Well, that's more like it!" I thought. Nice to see a little old-fashioned seduction creeping back into play, rather than the time-honoured method of both parties drinking until the other becomes attractive.

So intrigued, I read on - curious to see what magic ingredients were to be considered essential to modern seduction. Was I to discover aphrodisiacs? Tickets to the theatre? Instant floral bouquets? A pocket guide to the most sincere and least-worn compliments to be paid to a potential sexual partner?

As it happens, no. What I was being offered by way of transforming my bloated Canadian bulk into a modern-day Casanova or Don Juan, was the following:

1 X ID Glide Sachet
1 X ID Juicy Lube Sachet
1 X Skins Natural Condom
1 X Skins Dots & Ribs Condom

(And, of course, the wise, if somewhat lacking in romance, advice: "Never Go In Without A Skin". I mean, I've never been hit on by anyone that didn't at least have skin, but I can imagine it is unpleasant.)

Stop me if I am being overly fussy here, but this doesn't sound terribly seductive to me. Were YOU to be approached by a stranger with the opening line, "I just wanted to say that you are the most beautiful man/woman/androgyne I have ever seen, and as it happens I have a sachet of Juicy Lube with your name on it", I am willing to bet that - even if you decided, in a moment of what the fuck - to go home with them, you would not considered yourself to have been seduced.

Now I'm no expert here. Apart from one friend of mine who considers me, despite all evidence to the contrary, to be an unrepentant lothario unfettered by moral rectitude, most people who know me would not call me a seducer.

Nonetheless, I'd like to think that even with the handicaps of my looks, mental strangeness and general hobo-on-an-off-day dress sense, I could do better than offering my potential conquest a choice of condoms and lubricants. I would, at very least, start with "Hi".

It seems endemic to the modern world, this sense of romance and wonder being surplus to requirements. Lyrics have no poetry, music has no soul, sex has no subtext and television has no fucking writers or actors.

You may think I am inferring a lot from the contents of a contraceptive machine, but these things do matter. Words like "seduction" shouldn't be bandied around by just anyone, you know. They should stand for something, they should be - if only in the moment - transcendent.

Also, I really shouldn't have spent the three pounds. Anyone need any Juicy Lube?

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